An Artist’s Solitude

It’s really astounding how the Artist’s Way really forces me to deal with issues I’ve never wanted to deal with.  For instance, this week is about not being a martyr and taking the time to be alone and be an artist.  I’ve been struggling with my time management ever since I met Jesse, simply because I had already established a routine.  I was never taught boundaries as a child, so I never started learning about them until my relationship with Jesse.  As much as it has been a struggle, it’s just one of those life lessons you have to learn or else everyone will walk over you like a doormat.

There’s a difference between being selfish and being self-nurturing.  I’m not being selfish if I’m acknowledging my needs and taking the time to take care of myself.  Selfish would be ignoring the dirty dishes in the sink, never cooking dinner, and only acknowledging myself and not the needs of the people around me.  If marriage is about compromise, a selfish person would scoff at the idea of compromise and argue some more about it.  Crazymakers and blocked creatives are the people who scoff at the idea of personal time because it takes me away from fulfilling their needs.  So it’s no wonder they feel insulted and insecure when I say, “Saturday is my day to tell the world to buzz off so I can hide in my cave.”  I understand people to a certain degree, but anything past that point makes me scratch my head in confusion.  I’m getting better at reading people and their nuances but it’s frustrating when I don’t get clear examples of what I did to piss them off.  Extreme subtlety drives me up a wall.  I’m very black and white, so a large gray area annoys me to no end.  Generally speaking, I really don’t like people.  Or maybe just high maintenance people who aren’t straightforward enough for me to understand them and interact with them peacefully.

I am an extroverted introvert.  I need my artist’s solitude as much as I need air and water.  That’s why I’ve been stuck in a creative depression for the past year… I had to focus on nurturing my relationship with Jesse at the price of my free time and my art.  It was wholeheartedly worth it, and now I’m at a point where I can return to my artist’s shoes and find the balance I’ve been craving.  Jesse will just have to deal with it when I’m taking my artist time. 😉

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