Morning Pages: Skipped them on Thursday or Friday, ended up very cranky.
Artist Date: Went to my mailbox and then grocery shopping, got inspired to make a meatloaf. 🙂
The weekend was awesome and as the short week started, my Crazymaker reared her ugly head again. Ugh, I was not happy about it, but I was happy about how I dealt with the situation. That has shut her up since. Again, I will leave the door open for when she wants to behave like a rational adult, but until then, I have a life of my own to live. It takes a lot of self-respect and self-confidence to tell the world to f— off. During this creative journey, I’ve been reminded of this fact a lot. It’s always been difficult for me to say no because I’ve been more of a people pleaser than I would like to be. That’s changed for the better, thankfully. It’s also been difficult to put down boundaries because my family HAS NO BOUNDARIES. That problem has leaked into my relationships with friends so some who don’t realize or don’t care that I don’t have a lot of boundaries think it’s okay to run amok without a second thought. Lately, because I have been more proactive about these issues, it’s been causing discomfort and disruption and I have been accused of being selfish and need to be medicated for anxiety and bad mood swings. Um, no.
During one of the AW weekly lessons, it warned me about people being upset when I tell them I am taking time for myself, please leave me alone. These upset people believe I am being selfish, whereas I’m just doing my thing and taking care of my needs. This notion of taking care of my own needs has been floating inside my head a lot, mostly because my Crazymaker expects me to attend group activities with a big, fake smile when all I really want to do is either hide by myself or in Jesse’s arms. Perhaps because I am the most vocal/blunt about myself and my solitary needs, it leaves me vulnerable for attacks of “You’re selfish, you don’t care about anyone’s feelings.” Let me repeat myself when I say that I am an engineer by profession. I was raised by an engineer and a crazy creative with very little nurturing skills. So, I don’t coddle people and tell them how special they are. I take things literally and I see things in black and white. I live by my morals and what I believe is right. I am learning to be more aware of myself, which is good. I’m also learning how to be more empathetic with people because I’m more sympathetic than anything else. But still, I’m blunt, so if you look like crap, I’m going to say you look like crap, what happened, let’s go get a drink. I can be tactful, so I’m not completely socially inept. I don’t know… I’m an introvert trying to survive a world full of annoying people who sometimes can’t get a clue just how annoying they are and how their overstepping of my boundaries is pissing me off. It sucks.
On a more positive note, I have been inadvertently inspiring others to take the same approach. Take care of your needs and don’t be afraid to tell the world to f— off. That makes me very happy because I want my creative colleagues to succeed in their creative dreams. I’m proud of how far one of them has come and I am so happy to call her my friend and pinch buddy. 😉
I’ve been frustrated this week, but instead of trying to deal with it head on, I let myself go. I listened to my nerves and tried to get them to relax by resting and allowing myself to escape into my Kindle. OMG, best invention ever. Hey, I love books, but I’m marrying a minimalist. I need to keep the clutter down to a minimum if not null. I bought a Seatbelt case for it as well as a skin with a painting of the Sorcerress from He-Man. I couldn’t resist something He-Man related. 😀 😀 😀
I can see myself taking this device with me many, many places. So a skin and a case will do me much good. 😀
To follow up with my previous post, I was fretting over what needed to get done this weekend, so I insisted Jesse to come over yesterday to help me around the house. It actually turned out to be very productive and he again proved to be exactly what I need in a spouse and life partner. Yes, I have been floating on Cloud 9 since yesterday. All and all a crazy but productive week. Now to get on to some wedding jewelry and shipping things out. 🙂